How to Feel More Connected When You’re Lonely

By early November, New York City can start to feel different. Halloween decorations begin to disappear, the leaves are changing, and the days are getting noticeably shorter. Summer feels far away, and people may be spending more time indoors as the weather cools.

For some people, this time of year can also make loneliness feel more noticeable.

You can spend the day surrounded by people on the subway, at work, in class, or walking through a busy neighborhood and still feel disconnected. Loneliness is not necessarily about how many people are around you. It is more about whether you feel connected, understood, or close to others.

Seasonal changes can also affect our routines. We may go out less often, spend more time at home, or notice that the social plans that filled the warmer months have slowed down. If your sense of connection has changed recently, you may find yourself noticing it more as the year moves toward winter.

Why Loneliness Can Be Difficult to Change

When you have been feeling lonely for a while, reaching out to other people may not always feel easy.

You might wonder whether someone really wants to hear from you or feel uncomfortable initiating plans. Sometimes the response is to withdraw even more, especially after feeling disappointed or disconnected.

Over time, this can create a difficult cycle. The desire for connection is still there, but there may be fewer opportunities to experience it.

Research on interventions for loneliness suggests that simply increasing the number of social interactions is not always enough. Psychological approaches that address thoughts, behaviors, and patterns around connection can also be helpful. Recent systematic reviews have found promising evidence for psychological interventions, particularly cognitive behavioral approaches.

Focus on Connection, Not the Number of People

It can be easy to assume that feeling less lonely means having a larger social circle.

For many people, meaningful connection matters more than having a full calendar. One conversation in which you feel comfortable being yourself may feel very different from spending an evening in a crowded room where you still feel disconnected.

It may be helpful to think about which relationships leave you feeling more connected rather than trying to become more social in general.

Sometimes this means reconnecting with someone you already know. In other situations, it may involve spending more time in places where repeated contact happens naturally, such as a class, community activity, volunteer setting, or interest-based group.

Research suggests that interventions involving social interaction and social support can reduce loneliness, although what works best can vary from person to person.

Notice the Urge to Withdraw

Loneliness can sometimes make social interaction feel more difficult rather than easier.

You may notice yourself declining invitations, avoiding messages, or assuming that reaching out will feel awkward. There may be understandable reasons for wanting space, especially when social situations have felt disappointing or exhausting.

It can still be useful to notice what happens afterward. Does staying home give you the rest you needed, or do you end up feeling more disconnected?

You do not necessarily need to make a major social change. A small interaction may be enough to begin shifting the pattern, such as replying to a message you have been putting off or spending time somewhere you regularly see familiar people.

Give Relationships Time to Develop

Connection does not always happen quickly. Meeting someone once may not create an immediate sense of closeness. Many relationships become more comfortable through repeated interactions, shared experiences, and gradually learning more about each other.

This can be particularly relevant after moving to a new city or beginning a new stage of life. It may take time before new relationships feel as natural as older ones did. If connection feels slower than you expected, it does not necessarily mean that you are doing something wrong.

How Mindfulness May Help

Mindfulness cannot replace relationships, but it can help you notice how you are responding to loneliness.

For example, you may become more aware of thoughts such as assuming that others are not interested in you or comparing your social life with what you see online. Mindfulness creates an opportunity to notice those thoughts without immediately treating them as facts.

The research on mindfulness specifically for loneliness is still developing. Some studies have found benefits, while recent reviews suggest that the evidence is less consistent than it is for approaches such as CBT.

When Loneliness Feels Persistent

Loneliness is a common human experience, but it can become difficult when the feeling continues for a long time or begins affecting other areas of life.

Persistent loneliness has been associated with depression, anxiety, and other health concerns.

Therapy can provide a place to explore what connection looks like for you. It may also help you understand patterns that make relationships difficult and practice new ways of approaching social situations.

DBT and CBT skills can be useful when loneliness is connected with anxiety, avoidance, difficulty expressing needs, or challenges navigating relationships.

Finding Connection in a Way That Works for You

There is no single way to feel connected. For some people, connection develops through friendships. Others find it through family, romantic relationships, community, shared interests, or simply becoming more comfortable interacting with the people already present in their everyday lives.

If you have been feeling lonely, you do not need to completely change your social life. It may be more useful to become curious about where you already feel some sense of connection and where you might want a little more of it.

We Are Here to Help

If loneliness, anxiety, or relationship difficulties have been affecting your daily life, our therapists are here to support you.

At Eastside DBT NYC, we work with teens, adults, and families using DBT- and CBT-informed approaches to help people better understand emotional and relationship patterns and build skills that can be used in everyday life.

Feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation or learn more about our services.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Health effects of social isolation and

loneliness.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Loneliness: How Right Now.

Matthaeus, H., et al. (2024). Reducing loneliness through the power of practicing together: A

randomized controlled trial of online dyadic socio-emotional vs. mindfulness-based

training. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.

What Works Centre for Wellbeing, et al. (2025). What works to reduce loneliness: A rapid

systematic review of 101 interventions.