Why Conflict Keeps Repeating in Relationships and What Can Help

A disagreement can begin with something small. One person feels unheard. The other feels criticized. One partner pushes to continue the conversation while the other wants space.

Soon, the original issue is no longer the only problem. The interaction itself becomes part of the conflict.

Research on couples suggests that recurring communication patterns and difficulties with emotion regulation can influence how conflict unfolds and how satisfied partners feel in their relationships (Bloch et al., 2014; Christensen et al., 2006).

The good news is that these patterns are not always fixed. Learning to recognize emotional escalation, communicate more effectively, and use validation can create opportunities to interrupt the cycle and respond differently.

Understanding these patterns can be an important first step toward changing them.

Why Conflict Can Become a Cycle

During an argument, it is easy to focus on what you are fighting about.

"Who forgot something?"

"Who said the wrong thing?"

"Who should apologize?"

But sometimes a more useful question is: “What happens between us when we become upset?”

One pattern studied in relationship research is known as the demand-withdraw pattern. This happens when one partner increasingly seeks discussion, change, or resolution while the other becomes more likely to avoid, disengage, or withdraw from the conversation.

Research across couples from different cultural backgrounds has found that stronger demand-withdraw communication is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, while constructive communication is associated with greater satisfaction (Christensen et al., 2006).

In everyday life, this might sound like: “Can we please talk about this?”

followed by: “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

The first person may push harder because the conversation feels important. The second may withdraw because the conversation feels overwhelming. Neither person necessarily intends to make the situation worse. But together, their responses can create a cycle that becomes difficult to interrupt.

When Emotions Take Over the Conversation

Communication is not only about choosing the right words. It is also about what happens emotionally while we are talking. When emotions become intense, we may notice ourselves becoming defensive, raising our voice, repeating the same point, assuming we know what the other person means, shutting down, or wanting to leave the conversation entirely.

Research has found a relationship between emotion regulation during marital conflict and relationship satisfaction. In a longitudinal study of married couples, the ability to reduce negative emotional responses during conflict was associated with constructive communication and aspects of marital satisfaction over time (Bloch et al., 2014).

This does not mean that people should avoid difficult emotions. Anger, sadness, disappointment, and hurt can communicate important information. Instead, the goal is to recognize when an emotion has become so intense that it is becoming harder to respond effectively.

Sometimes the first step toward resolving a conflict is not solving the problem immediately. It is becoming regulated enough to have the conversation.

Validation Does Not Mean Agreement

Another skill that can change the tone of difficult conversations is validation.

Validation is sometimes misunderstood as agreement.

You may think: “If I validate my partner, am I saying they are right and I am wrong?”

Not necessarily.

Validation means acknowledging that another person's feelings or perspective make sense in some way, even when your own experience is different.

For example: “I can understand why you felt hurt when I didn’t respond.”

is different from: “Everything you believe about the situation is correct.”

Both people can have different perspectives while still recognizing each other's emotional experience.

Recent research observing couples during conflict found that when partners displayed validation, including acknowledgment, interest, and sincere understanding, the other partner was more likely to move from negative emotion toward a neutral or positive emotional state. Validation during conflict was also associated with better relationship quality in the study (León et al., 2026).

Sometimes, when people feel understood, they no longer have to work quite as hard to prove that their feelings make sense.

How DBT Skills Can Help During Relationship Conflict

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches skills in mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. All of which can be relevant when navigating emotionally charged interactions (Linehan, 2025).

During conflict, these skills can help us slow down and notice:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What is this emotion urging me to do?

• Am I listening, or am I preparing my defense?

• What am I actually trying to communicate?

• What part of the other person's experience can I genuinely validate?

• Would continuing this conversation right now be effective?

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The goal is not to eliminate conflict. It is to notice the pattern earlier and create more opportunities to respond intentionally instead of automatically.

Moving From Conflict to Repair

Healthy relationships are not necessarily relationships without disagreement.

Misunderstandings will happen. People will become emotional. There will be moments when communication does not go as planned.

An important relationship skill is learning how to repair after those moments.

That may mean returning to a conversation after both people have had time to regulate, acknowledging something you wish you had handled differently, listening before explaining your own perspective, or validating an emotion even when you disagree with the conclusion.

Small changes in how we respond can begin to change the larger pattern.

Instead of only asking: “Who was right?”

it may be helpful to ask: “What happened between us, and what could we try differently next time?”

Ready to Learn More?

Eastside Behavioral Health is offering From Conflict to Connection: Relationship Repair Workshop, an interactive virtual workshop focused on practical, evidence-based skills for navigating relationship conflict.

Participants will explore strategies for recognizing conflict patterns, regulating emotions during difficult conversations, communicating more effectively, using validation, and strengthening connection.

Thursday, October 15:15 PMVirtual | 60 minutes$100 per participant

This workshop is the first session in our ongoing Master Class Series, with additional relationship-focused topics offered on Thursdays at 5:15 PM.

To learn more or reserve your seat, contact Eastside Behavioral Health at (212) 861-5496 or visit EastsideDBTNYC.com.

A superbill can be provided for possible out-of-network reimbursement depending on your insurance plan.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is conflict normal in a relationship?

Yes. Disagreement is a normal part of close relationships. What may be more important is how partners communicate, regulate emotions, and repair after conflict.

Does validation mean agreeing with someone?

No. Validation means recognizing that another person's emotional response or perspective makes sense in some way. You can validate someone's feelings while still having a different perspective or maintaining a boundary.

Can DBT skills help with relationship conflict?

DBT includes interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, mindfulness, and distress tolerance skills that can be applied to difficult conversations and relationship patterns. These skills can help people notice emotional reactions, communicate needs more intentionally, and respond more effectively during conflict (Linehan, 2025).

References

Bloch, L., Haase, C. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2014). Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: More than a wives’ tale. Emotion, 14(1), 130–144. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034272 

Christensen, A., Eldridge, K., Catta-Preta, A. B., Lim, V. R., & Santagata, R. (2006). Cross-cultural consistency of the demand/withdraw interaction pattern in couples. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(4), 1029–1044. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00311.x 

León, G. A., Dien, O., Khaled, M., & Saxbe, D. E. (2026). Partner validation during couple conflict predicts reduced negative affect and better psychosocial adjustment to parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001506 

Linehan, M. M. (2025). DBT skills training manual (Rev. ed.). The Guilford Press.